Blog 90 The Wisdom Hidden in Abandonment (Gary)
My wife and I provided a two-hour therapy session to a couple. Both husband and wife had been abandoned as children. Now they were facing their pain in relationship, and were not able to give each other what they needed. It helped me to see another part of myself. I saw another’s sheer terror.
The man was desperately trying to convey to his wife and us how she was not there for him, and how sheThe had broken their agreement by seeking other men. I yelled at him that it was the sex, meaning that he was so focused on the sex in his relationship for his sense of meaning. What I saw was a little kid who was angry that this person, who had so fulfilled his need to be validated, could no longer keep it up. It was never enough. I saw the abandoned child whose mother had left, and he was angry and scared.
Then I saw her reaction to his unwillingness to validate her abandoned child. We couldn’t get him to see it. She had been abandoned by her father as a child, and was clearly seeking validation from this older man, and other older men. He had stopped adoring her, and sex had become less important to him after they had married. Instead he became obsessed with work. And when she became pregnant he distanced himself even further. She had become desperate to regain his attention, and acted out by drinking, and getting the attention of other older men.
He simply saw her breaking the agreement he had formulated. What she re-experienced was abandonment. He couldn’t see it. She was just wrong for her reactions, and they were two different people. Ironically they were twins in their bond of pain. Divorce became the next subject.
Children who are abandoned by either or both parents become fearful as they have nothing to attach to, no ground, no stability. These children then search for an attachment that will satisfy the need. Often they will make themselves desirable by manifesting traits that they perceive will be attractive to others and deserving of love. They will sacrifice their own internal needs, and often go to extremes in work, sacrifice, and presentation in order to be worthy of the bond they were missing. They will find a similar partner to bond to and complement with the task of achieving the perfection of the imaginary, lovable child. When in relationship they appear to have found the love they so desperately needed. However, when one or the other becomes human, and displays qualities that are not perfect, the relationship starts to unravel. They feel then that this person cannot be the one. Then there is resentment and a realization of an ancient fear, because their partner could not hold up their end of an unspoken agreement, and the anger comes from realizing they are back where they started. The unspoken agreement was that their partner would love and validate them perfectly, and give them the kind of love and validation that only a parent can give to a child. This will not happen. They divorce, and start their search again, but they are more angry and cynical this time.
The longing for belonging was the theme that came home to me from this session. I saw that The Hill gave Mark and me an opportunity to heal the wound of abandonment. The healing that’s revealing, the mirror that helps me to see myself, a brother who walks the path with me; I could not have done this alone.
I bring this story up because I see it as an element of our walks. It helps me to see who we are uncovering. I see the abandoned child in each of us who is seeking achievement as a way of ensuring value. Or doing nothing as a way of giving up, because the idea of being of value is too daunting. Sooo common.
If you shine enough you will be validated, valued, and never abandoned. Each of us has excelled in many areas seeking some form of security of self that will never ultimately be achieved. I had an attachment disorder of my own. I would attach to anything that I thought could help me feel better. Only by surrendering to our limitations, and accepting ourselves can we be at peace. It is belonging in its deepest meaning.
So what am I saying? I am saying that the child who is abandoned by either or both parents needs at some point to turn to the wisdom of the adult within.
Fathering yourself is an option. How would a good father “father” you? I find this to be a very helpful tool when stuck. The wisdom is available in most of us.
Instead of judging myself (actually swearing at myself) like I was used to, one day I stopped myself and asked how it was working. I laughed, of course, realizing it was just another way of shaming myself, and it certainly wasn’t motivating. I took a couple minutes to simply ask myself, “What would a good father say to me right now?” It brought me to sanity, relief, and gave me a mature direction. I continue to use it as needed. Shame and judgment no longer serve me.
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