Blog 85 Being Here (Gary)

In absence of myself I go somewhere else.  Can I not just be here?  What is a more compatible way?  I see desirable objects now, but I have attained an emotional distance.  I am detached and relaxed.  There are definite benefits to being without desire, enjoying what I have and where I am, who I am when I have cut out the critic, the evaluator, assessor, comparer.  I am enjoying being in a relaxed state.  Now I need to let go of money.  Approximately $3,000 till the truck is paid off, $10,000 to pay off the Volvo, $2,000 more to pay the Keogh.  I need to let that craziness go, too.

            I get out of the car at the stable where my daughter keeps her horse.  Next to us is a beautiful black Jaguar sedan with an almost perfect front that is creased under the grill.  I am distracted by its beauty, but I assess the flaw, and see the deceit of design much like what I discover about the beautiful woman who owns it.  I share my impression with my daughter who discloses that all is not well within the woman.  Illusion or truth?  A friend now deceased used to love to ask, “Do you want the truth, or do you want me to bullshit you?”  I love that. 

            What kind of a bullshitter are you?  Most importantly how do you bullshit yourself?  It’s a common male trait so don’t judge yourself for it.  Just know it, because the knowing helps preserve your integrity.

            I walk through the barn and am greeted by horses’ heads.  My daughter's horse is beautiful and unflinching as I talk to him and stroke his jaw line.  Finally he pulls back just a little and wants my shirt buttons.

            I have left my money distractions for the illusions of beauty.  Yet beauty quickly shows me its shadow side.  Perhaps what is ugly could be the shadow side of beauty.  So the comfort comes in not caring, as I move on the dirt floor through the barn, and say hello to more horses.  I am in the moment, enjoying myself, and I've forgotten the beauty of the automobile and the woman I just passed.  I am free.  “Free of what?” you may ask.  Free of any attachment other than to the moment. 

            Now, later in the evening, a more difficult task: can I close my eyes and detach?  Tomorrow there will be another hike and a new moment of truth.  Awe: the beauty of being in the moment.  Time to sleep.

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